Tag Archives: adult humour

25 Thoughts you have on a Santa Pub Crawl

Our lovely Social Circle ladies ready for the Santa Pub Crawl.

Our lovely Social Circle ladies ready for the Santa Pub Crawl.

The Santa Pub Crawl is one of the jewels in the Social Circle calendar.  Everyone loves it and we take bookings months in advance. So of course, Steve called me and told me to write a blog so new members knew what to expect . “It will be fun” he said “and you can do a funny blog like you did for the Mingle party. People loved that.”

Despite being a member and host for three years, I have previously shirked the pub crawls. There have been a myriad of excuses; ‘I will be tired after work’, ‘pub crawls are not my thing’ or my personal favourite; ‘ugh it will be really busy and there will be so many people around.’   Yes, the irony of wanting to meet new people and avoiding social interaction is not lost on me. But given I am a professional, I decided to don my Santa outfit and go undercover. Purely for journalistic purposes you realise.

So here the 25 thoughts you have on a Santa Pub Crawl and more.

On donning a Santa outfit.

The night I went undercover as Santa, in the name of journalism right?

The night I went undercover as Santa, in the name of journalism right?

*puts on Christmas music, places a mince pie on a plate and pours a glass of mulled wine to get in the mood*

1. I wonder if Christmas music is used to torture people in the same way Britney spears was?

 *Follows YouTube make up guide and perfects red smokey eyes with glitter.*

2. Wow. I look hot.  I wonder if I will get a kiss under the mistletoe.

*scoffs entire pack of Tesco’s finest mince pies*

 *Wriggles into Santa outfit and tightens belt one (1) hole.*

3. Oh God I can’t breathe.

4, *checks self in mirror*  How have my tits merged into a mono-boob?  

*downs rest of mulled wine.*

5. I don’t need my coat, it will just get in the way.

On using public transport.

 “Hey it’s  Mrs Claus!!  Are you out ho-ho-hoing tonight?”

6. Holy f*ck its cold.  

7.Why won’t anyone sit next to me?   

 Little girl, rather too loudly, Its Santa!  But she is a woman???

8.  Curses self for contributing to this 2018 snowflake debate of the year.

Just some of the Social Circle Santas taking Manchester by storm

Just some of the Social Circle Santas taking Manchester by storm

On getting into the festive spirit

9. Thank god.  I am not the only one.  

I make a beeline for the other Social Circle ladies at the Bar who are fortunately easy to spot.

10. OK just a small wine. Pace yourself.

*orders large glass of merlot*

 11. Why are there willy straws and blow up dolls on the table?

Steve tells us that there was nothing Christmassy in the pound shop.  We are not buying it.

Len arrives, in crisp collar under his santa suit.  Me:  “ Ha Ha you look like you are going to gift someone a pair of broken legs.”

12.  Why am I so awkward?

Richard tells us about his Santa hat which he bought off a dodgy bloke in a pub.  At the touch of a button it moves and plays a tune. It is a fun combination of festive and slightly pervy.

The ladies compliment my velvet red lipstick, which duly gets passed around for people to try.

A random passerby, approximately 30, presses his nose against the window and looks at us in the same way a 5 year old would look at a new puppy.  His girlfriend was not impressed and drags him away.

13. “How do you go to the toilet with Rudolfs head between your legs?”

Gemma decides to put on a blow up doll puppet show for those passing by the window.  

Traumatising those passing by the Portland Bar and Grill

Traumatising those passing by the Portland Bar and Grill

Santa Goes Singing

Steve leads the way to China town. A few of us are nearly  taken out by passing traffic in Manchester’s festive live action version of Grand Theft Auto.

Steve tries to take a picture.  A plastic willy is trying to escape from the Tesco carrier bag. Because every little helps.

We are shuffled past some bouncers up some steep stairs into a dimly lit smokey bar.

14. What is this place? Are we in a karaoke bar?

Sally and Steve in the Karaoke Bar.

Sally and Steve in the Karaoke Bar.

15. I am not drunk enough for this. *downs sourz shot*

A man in a flashing Christmas jumper takes to the stage, brimming with confidence as he winks at the ladies and lifts the mike as the words to ‘we will rock you’ flash onscreen. 

Sally leans into me.  “He looks full of himself but you know it’s going to be sh*t.”

16. His performance is, indeed, rather sh*t.

Steve bounces over. “I have signed us all up for a Christmas song.  They only had Mariah Carey. We will be on in a minute.”

17. I am not drunk enough for this. *downs further shot.*

*looks up lyrics to All I want for Christmas because goddammit I am a pro.*

All 15 of us cram onto the tiny stage and Steve hands someone a camera.

Feed the World comes up on screen.

18. I am not drunk enough for this.

Two verses later.

19. *grabs microphone*  FEED THE WORLD LET THEM KNOW ITS CHRISTMAS TIME

Takes pictures with Dave against the Manchester Bee.  These Santas are getting ready to Slay (Sleigh).

Sleighing it as Santa - despite monoboob concerns.

Sleighing it as Santa – despite monoboob concerns.

Steve lines us all up outside a massage parlour for a headcount.

20. Where’s Nigel?

Festive Fab-ness.

We found Nigel!

We found Nigel!

“Someone make Nigel festive.” Steve yells.  I have somehow been given responsibility for the bag of willies, dolls and Christmas hats.

  I hand Nigel a Santa Hat and promise him we won’t lose him this time.

 

21. O-M-G fab cafe!  Please be taking us to Fab Cafe?!?!

22. He is, he is taking us to Fab cafe. *squeals*

You been here before Heather? Someone asks.  I don’t respond as I am too busy running inside to see if they have made the Darlek festive.  I was not disappointed.

23. Minimum £5 spend on cards. Fek.  Orders a Guinness and a tonne of retro sweets.

24. Perhaps I can give these out to handsome men.

Looks around bar. Average age 20 and already visibility suffering an existentialist crisis brought on by the price of housing and avocados.

Gives haribo to boys in party who give to other santa-ettes.

*scoffs rest of sweets*

Annette tries to persuade everyone that Alice Cooper would be much more festive than the Smiths.  Everyone agrees. Except the DJ.

We love Fab Cafe.  Even if they didnt play Alice Cooper.

We love Fab Cafe. Even if they didnt play Alice Cooper.

25. Lines up for photos. Checks photos.  Ugh mono-boob strikes again.

“Where do you get your dress from?”

Tesco. Hence why I look like a bit Basic.” *laughs at own joke*

Suddenly feel tired. “Steve I got to go.”

“But we are going to ultimate Christmas power Ballads.  You know how you love that.” Steve protests.

“Last time I ended up breaking up a fight and snogging a 25 year old.”

“Exactly! You love it.”

I call it a night and say my goodbyes.  Annette asks why I am leaving.

“I am tired and old.”

“F*ck off I am older than you.”

Off they went into the O2 Ritz to have a grand old time singing their little hearts out and bouncing around on the dancefloor.  

Founder Steve with Resident Host and Blogger, Heather.

Founder Steve with Resident Host and Blogger, Heather.

But this Santa had to be home to wrap her presents and write her list of the naughty things those social circle Santa’s got up to on their night of debauchery.

Merry Christmas from everyone at Social Circle!!

5 embarrassing stories so awful you will be glad it wasn’t you.

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Here at Social Circle, we know how socialising can make you nervous. You can be kept awake at night at all the awkward moments that could possibly happen  The truth is everyone has an embarrassing story to tell, whether it be spinach in your teeth or forgetting someone’s name moments after you have just met them.  Even President Trump got loo roll stuck to his feet. We asked some of our social circle hosts and members for their most terrifying tales of red-faced woe and boy did they deliver the goods.  Get ready to read our top five most embarrassing stories, that are so embarrassing, you will be glad it wasn’t you. (Number #5 is our cringe-worthy favourite)

Warning. These stories are not for the faint of heart or sensitive dispositions.

#1 Head over Heels.

It was one of those fateful evenings where Murphy’s law was going to take away any shred of dignity I owned.

It was a cold night in November. Me and the lads had organised to go into town and have a few drinks and onto a club.  Full of bravado, we approached a table of attractive girls and invited them to join us at the club. They accepted. I strode ahead of the group and opened the door for bashful young ladies who were now nervously shuffling behind me.

Except the step outside had turned to ice and I slipped and fell, banging the back of my head on the step.

I woke up hours later in hospital, bandage round my head and severely bruised ego.

At my bedside was my best mate, and a pretty brown eyed girl who was apparently very concerned.

I told this story at part of my best man’s speech at their wedding.

Jez, 46.

 

#2 Awkward Introductions.

I remember one of my first events as a Social Circle Host. It was a swanky affair at Eperhay Champagne Bar so I was keen to impress and dressed up in the classic little black dress. I saw a group of three guys look at me as I arrived so I flashed them my brightest smile and introduced myself.

I felt the heat rush to my cheeks when there was an uproar of laughter from the group stood behind them. Turns out I had just introduced myself to three complete strangers to the amusement of my group that evening.

It was a memorable introduction to say the least.

I shudder to think what they I think I meant when I asked whether they were ready to have a great time.

*facepalm*

Heather, 38

 

#3 Foul Line

I was going bowling, quite a few people including a few attractive ladies. So, keen to make a good impression I was determined to win.  As I bent to throw the ball there was a loud rip as my pants split down the seams and suddenly my blue boxers were on show to all.

Got a strike through.

Nigel, 51

 

#4 Party in my Pants

There was a party at the Ritz, bubbles,  glow in the dark tubes, and power ballads.  I wolfed down a greasy burger from one of the Oxford Road takeaways and took my place with my friend in the (very long) queue.  Twenty minutes in, and I feel a sharp pain in my gut and that rumbling pressure in my bowel that suggested I needed to make a quick exit.  I told my mates I needed the loo and made a sharp exit, heading to the bar across the road.

I pushed revellers out of the way, back braced and bum clenched hard.

It was too late though.

The remains of the burger made its way to the outside.  The tell-tale warm and heavy mass filled my boxers as I rushed into the first available cubicle.

Fortunately my jeans were unharmed so I stripped and threw them over the top of the cubicle door and sat on the loo, unleashing the beast within.  It was only then did I notice that the stall was out of loo roll. The only thing I could use was my socks.   I dumped my boxers in the bin (RIP) along with the now-soiled socks and scarpered out of there.

The janitors screams could be heard throughout Manchester.

I headed back to my place in the Queue and my mates were none the wiser. Kinda spoiled my the evening though.

Jon, 34

 

#5 Nightmare at the Cinema

I met a guy online and we arranged a  date to see the horror flick ‘Hereditary’. Not particularly romantic I know.  It was during the heatwave so I wore a pale pink dress. He was gorgeous so I was very nervous and my stomach was churning. We quickly settled down to watch the film with the obligatory bags of chocolate and popcorn.   I was on the edge of my seat throughout the film. I didn’t notice my date gently reaching for my hand.  Feeling something brush against my fingers, I  screamed and  jumped out of my seat,  letting out the loudest ripper of a fart. To make matters worse, I clearly had sat on some chocolate prompting the teens behind me to point and laugh saying I must have sharted.

My date just looked at me in utter horror.  I excused myself to go to the bathroom and fled the cinema.

Bless him, he did try to call to see if I was alright.  But I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him again after that.

Still single.  Julie, 31

Yikes!! Is it safe to come out yet?  

Never fear, all our storytellers went on to enjoy socialising with Social Circle (even if they did insist on their names being changed).  

So tell us, if you dare, what are your most embarrassing stories?